Yesterday, when I went to put my trash bin on the curb, I saw this:
I did not put my trash bin on the curb. Wikipedia says it’s a female Writing Spider and is not harmful to humans. While she may not be physically harmful, she is not much of a writer. She hasn’t been spinning any cool messages for me into her web (“What’s up, Ninja!?” or “The neighbor kids stole your Netflix again”), nor is she putting a noticeable dent in the mosquito population. This causes me me mental anguish, aka harm. Too bad Wikipedia has blocked my work IP address from editing entries.
As I was dealing with the disappointment that I was not starring in my own version of “Charlotte’s Web,” I noticed some kittens playing in the hedge by the trash bin. So I brought out some Hemo food for them.
They ate, and I felt good. But then I felt bad, because they wouldn’t let me pet them. I got to thinking that maybe Hemo could give those alley kittens some motherly advice, like how important it is to clean your vagina
in front of company during dinner thoroughly, or how to trick people into feeding you 6 times a day by pretending to be starving. But Hemo was already pissed that I have given away some of her food, so she would probably have only taught them to play tag in the street. And maybe the alley kittens don’t even have vaginas.