I have a smart mouth and a very dry sense of humor, the combination of which can get me into trouble. I have a really hard time passing up opportunities for a good story, even it the story isn’t
at all entirely true. Is that skull and crossbones tattoo on my dog real? Of course! We got them at the same time; I wanted it to be a bonding experience. If an opportunity to tell an awesome story falls in my lap, I won’t let something like the truth keep me from spinning a yarn the likes of which you’ve never seen. Truth shmuth. The people want to be entertained!
And so I give you: Story Opportunity FAIL #1
I mentioned that we went to a wedding this weekend. Seated at our table was a girl who had a scarf wrapped around her wrist. I’m not sure how the conversation started (I was too busy eyeing the martini glass full of ranch dressing that was in front of me and daring it to fall onto my salad), but the BF managed to get her to take off the scarf and show us the pins that were in her wrist.
Holy smokes! I thought.
“If you don’t mind me asking, how did that happen?” I asked.
“I fell,” she said, and shrugged.
You fell? There has got to be more to the story than that. I mean, the girl had like 6 pins and three bars sticking out of her wrist. Even if all you did was fall while running in the rain in flip-flops, make something up! You’re at a table full of strangers who are all drinking. Say a circus elephant stomped on your arm while you were saving conjoined twin babies from certain death. Evil Knieval ran over your arm*…you sustained an injury in the semi-finals of an arm wrestling championship…SOMETHING! Not only is a wedding pretty much a carte blanche for making up an alternate personal history, when you’ve got a robo-arm for a prop you should be making the most of it.
Opportunity FAIL #2 happened the other day when we were seated at a restaurant bar waiting for a table. The bartender asked me what I’d like to drink, and I told him to bring me his most delicious beer.
“Um, we’ve got Miller Lite draft pints for $2.”
I said your most delicious beer, sir. Don’t get me wrong, I love a Miller Lite, and I appreciate you looking out for my wallet, but if it’s your most delicious beer than you need to have a word with your bar manager. At least offer me your house brew. Or a Chimay. Upsell! Earn that tip!
*I know he’s dead, but that makes the story even better. Zombie Evil Knieval!