Opportunity FAIL

I have a smart mouth and a very dry sense of humor, the combination of which can get me into trouble. I have a really hard time passing up opportunities for a good story, even it the story isn’t at all entirely true. Is that skull and crossbones tattoo on my dog real? Of course! We got them at the same time; I wanted it to be a bonding experience. If an opportunity to tell an awesome story falls in my lap, I won’t let something like the truth keep me from spinning a yarn the likes of which you’ve never seen. Truth shmuth. The people want to be entertained!

And so I give you: Story Opportunity FAIL #1

I mentioned that we went to a wedding this weekend. Seated at our table was a girl who had a scarf wrapped around her wrist. I’m not sure how the conversation started (I was too busy eyeing the martini glass full of ranch dressing that was in front of me and daring it to fall onto my salad), but the BF managed to get her to take off the scarf and show us the pins that were in her wrist.

Holy smokes! I thought.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how did that happen?” I asked.

“I fell,” she said, and shrugged.

You fell? There has got to be more to the story than that. I mean, the girl had like 6 pins and three bars sticking out of her wrist. Even if all you did was fall while running in the rain in flip-flops, make something up! You’re at a table full of strangers who are all drinking. Say a circus elephant stomped on your arm while you were saving conjoined twin babies from certain death. Evil Knieval ran over your arm*…you sustained an injury in the semi-finals of an arm wrestling championship…SOMETHING! Not only is a wedding pretty much a carte blanche for making up an alternate personal history, when you’ve got a robo-arm for a prop you should be making the most of it.

Opportunity FAIL #2 happened the other day when we were seated at a restaurant bar waiting for a table. The bartender asked me what I’d like to drink, and I told him to bring me his most delicious beer.

“Um, we’ve got Miller Lite draft pints for $2.”


I said your most delicious beer, sir. Don’t get me wrong, I love a Miller Lite, and I appreciate you looking out for my wallet, but if it’s your most delicious beer than you need to have a word with your bar manager. At least offer me your house brew. Or a Chimay. Upsell! Earn that tip!
*I know he’s dead, but that makes the story even better. Zombie Evil Knieval!

13 thoughts on “Opportunity FAIL

  1. I try to make my bionic leg (my rod and bolts, they comfort me. Now make the sign of the cross thankyouverymuch) story much more interesting than it is, but the sad truth is? I live in the Midwest, I slipped on the ice in the parking lot of my dentist’s office and I heard it break while I was in the air. Boring. The most exciting part is that the EMT actually smacked me to get me to stop hyperventilating. No joke. It worked.

  2. I’m with you on the smart mouth part. Like the drunken frat dudes who asked me if my brindle Frenchie was a pot bellied pig, to which I replied “Yes, we’re fattening her up for Christmas – we’re big roast pork fans”.

    It helps if you walk away really quickly afterwards, so you can leave them wondering.

  3. Was this blog about ROOKIES day??

    Who are these people?

    And damn, you draw great elephants. I found them to be one of the hardest animals to doodle next to horses.

  4. kate – I think I’m going to smack people more often.

    “What? You were hyperventilating.”


    kristen – Count me in. Maybe next time I’ll wear a cast or an eyepatch. I know I can come up with a good story.

    ben – That, my friend, is a great story.

    “Yes, machetes and rattlesnakes. I’ve just returned from a safari. Souvenirs for the family, you know.”

    frogdogz – I love how George Clooney used to call his potbellied pit his “earthquake survial kit.”

    so – Thanks! Practice makes perfect. Now if I could just get the legs right…

  5. I’ve tried to make up stories but when I’m tipsy I tend to forgt the details and then just sound like an ass. Of course then its funny for my friends so I guess it all works out in the end.

  6. Okay, what do you do when all of those crazy stories are true? Like, when I was born, on the kitchen table of a convent in Lambesc France, my mother told my father, you have to report the birth at the town hall. Instead, he disappeared for three days, drinking with his friends, no doubt. I still don’t know my real birthday.

    So people ask, where were you born, I say, New Hampshire… and they BELIEVE me. Go figure.

  7. Can I just say that the elephant is amazing?

    and if I asked for a “good” beer and someone brought me something normal i would just stare at them.

  8. The pins in the wrist story could have been soo much better. I think that it is a civic duty to come up with interesting stories when talking to people at weddings.

    And zombie Evil Knieval? Sweet.

  9. cccpups – Man, people are so gullible. New Hampshire? Please.

    the writer – Oh, they were real. Real fake.

    maxie – Thanks! Everyone has a gift…

    dingo – I wanted to pull the girl aside and coach her a little bit.

    “Listen, here’s what you tell people: Zombie Evil Knieval.”

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