Fact or Fiction Tuesday

Item 1:

Statement: Because you caught me updating my Netflix queue at work, I have enough time on my hands to help you organize your Mortar, Concrete, and Grout Test Reports.

FICTION
Sure, I have a little time on my hands. I’m efficient. That doesn’t mean I have time to do your job, too. Just to clear something up–when I helped you out a month ago clear off the landfill you call a desk, I wasn’t setting up a standing date. Stop hinting that you could really use my organizational skills again. Buying me lunch isn’t going to entice me back into the no man’s land that is your office. It smells like onions and feet. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a couple of hundred unread blog posts to attend to in my Google Reader. Good day, sir.

Item 2:

Statement: I enjoy coming home to find 3 or 4 pairs of underwear scattered about the house, sans crotch.

FACT
Obviously. Otherwise why would I leave my underwear on the very top of my tall dresser, easily accessible to any passing pitbull with a vertical leap of 6′ or more? Clearly I am too good to wear any single pair of panties more than once.

Item 3:

Statement: Traffic signs displaying ‘SPEED LIMIT 45’ should be interpreted to mean ‘drive as slow as you’d like, preferably 30 mph.’

FICTION
Surprising, I know. Even though one of my headlights burned out last week so I am forced to drive with my brights on to avoid a ticket until I can convince Steve to help me replace the bulb, know that I would be driving with my brights on behind you even if it this wasn’t the case. Because I’d like to be home at 5:45 on a Friday evening, not crawling behind your slow ass, watching as you gab on the phone and toss your cigarette butts out of the window. You probably can’t tell because my bright lights are in your rear view mirror, but I’m giving you the finger.

Item 4:

Statement: I would kick ass at Wheel of Fortune.

FACT


POLYNESIAN RESTAURANT. Got it.
PLUS I would not be a greedy spinner, risking bankrupting myself while trying to up my winnings for the round. I would be content win a couple thousand each round, and really clean up in the ‘toss up’ rounds. I wouldn’t scream or lose my cool when I landed on a big money space, either. I’d calmly collect my cardboard pie piece which represented a trip to New Mexico, and laugh all the way to the bonus round. Which I would win. Then I would give Pat Sajak a high-five and smile at Vanna as she opened the door to the brand new Chevy convertible I had just won. I’d pretend I was driving and honk the horn as the program faded to commercial.

Item 5:

Statement: You can win cool stuff just by commenting on this blog.

FACT

Click here for details.

Who writes checks anymore, anyway?

One of my best friends is staying with me for a month until she leaves for France, so I’ve been trying to keep the house in a semi-orderly state. Lucky for me I’ve found a couple of cleaning ladies who don’t mind working for cheap.

The younger one was pretty gung-ho…


…while the older one was a bit condescending.

The owner was a real bitch, though.

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Anywhoo, last Friday while I was busy giving her an award for her so-hilarious-I-almost-peed-my-pants-that-one-time blog, Dolce was busy giving me one. Awesome! Validation, how I crave thee…

Now I’m supposed to give it to 5 other Uber Amazing bloggers. You should, like, totally be reading these blogs if you aren’t already. So here they are, in a particular order which I will not divulge:

Kate at New Life in South Dakota because I think it is Uber Amazing how she’s taken control of her life, and I always find her posts inspiring. PLUS she has a cooking blog which is new but still ROCKS.

Dingo at As I was Saying because of her Uber Amazing photoshop skillz. Yes, with a Z because they are that amazing.

Crissy at Crissy’s Page because it is the first blog I read in the morning to reward myself for making it to work yet another day. Also she is an Uber Amazing Hot Mommy Blogger.

Lisa at Lemon Gloria; a blog I’ve just started reading but is hilarious and Uber Amazing.

Ben at No Ordinary Rollercoaster because his lunch box rivals mine for it’s Uber Amazing-ness. Also I hope he will take me on a date.

P.S. Don’t forget about the contest! You don’t even have to have a blog (or a pit bull) to win!

BlogSecret pt. II

So…remember the BlogSecret post I hosted where Anonymous wrote a beautiful letter to a girl I’m calling Potential? Remember how we have been on pins and needles waiting to hear if Anonymous would take our collective advice and share the letter with Potential?

Well, Anonymous just sent Potential a birthday card with the address of the post.

Fingers crossed! Keep us updated, Anonymous!

P.S. Don’t forget about the contest.

I know it’s just a t-shirt and a couple of coozies, but we are in an Economic Crisis!

You know that scene in Erin Brokovich where her biker boyfriend presents Julia Roberts with a pair of earrings after giving her a speech about how he had been planning on giving them to her the next time she said ‘thank you’ or did something nice? And how that never happened so he was just going to give them to her now, as he broke up with her?

Well, I told myself last night that I’d do a bloggy give away as soon as I won something. Lo and behold, Lump gave me an award! Sweet. Happy Friday to me!


To prevent my Fabulous Crown from being snatched from my head as I cry and run stumbling from the catwalk, scalp bleeding and mascara running, I am to list 5 of my addictions, and pass it along to 5 other fabulous bloggers.

My addictions:

1. Tetris – Steve has two bathrooms in his house; one is the regular, public bathroom and the other one I call the ‘poopy bathroom’ in my head because it is in the master bedroom and this is where I go when I need to see a man about a horse. In addition to the Maxim magazines, there is a Game Boy. I have sat there, pants around my ankles, for upwards of 45 minutes playing Tetris and trying to beat his high score. I have been as of yet unsuccessful, but maybe I’ll make some chili this weekend and get in some quality time with the Game Boy.

2. Serial novels – I cannot pass up a book series. Sometimes this is good; the Dune series, the Chronicles of Narnia, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Harry Potter, etc. Some times this is not so good. See: Clan of the Cave Bear. The first book was good alright, but the series quickly devolves into soft core housewife porn. I couldn’t stop, though. I slogged through to the end of the series, however, and towards the end it seemed like every other page was a mammoth on human rape scene. When I finally finished, I felt dirty.

3. Socks – I need to have socks on ALL THE TIME. Even if I kick them off during the night, I have a hard time falling asleep without socks on. These little piggies get cold.

4. Karaoke – Karaoke is like a drug to me. Once I sing one song, I want need to sing another, and another, and another, until I’m signing up for songs under various pseudonyms in a desperate attempt to trick the DJ into letting me sing more songs, boasting proudly that “karaoke is 2% singing ability and 98% song choice,” and loudly promising to vomit on the next person who sings “Strawberry Wine.”

5. Biting my fingernails – Hi, my name is Sarah and I am a nail biter. It’s disgusting, I know, but I CAN’T STOP.

I’m passing this along to the following bloggers:

Katie @ save the pitbull, save the world because I am in awe of all the fabulous work she’s done with her adorable pitties, Luce and Mushroom.

LBluca77 for her fabulous bacon eating abilities.

BrazenBareToe for pointing me in the direction of the torture fabulous experience that is NaNoWriMo.

Dolce @ La Dolce Vita for her fabulous ability to make my co-workers doubt my sanity as I laugh out loud not-so-quietly at my desk.

Finally, to Nilsa @ SoMi for organizing and hosting the fabulous BlogSecret.

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Ok, so the first Bad Mutha Fudruckers’ Pay it Forward Give Away.

The prizes: A t-shirt and two coozies from Wilmington’s Most Awesome Dex And Ernie Friendly Bar, The Barbary Coast.

*actual t-shirt/coozy design may vary slightly, as I just made these up from memory in MS Paint today*


How to win
: Leave a comment starting today (11/21) and ending Sunday, November 30 to be entered in the contest. One entry for each comment (multiple comments=multiple entries, up to 2 per post). If you have a blog and pimp this contest on it, you can earn yourself another entry (leave me a comment letting me know you are a pimp). Feel free to use this badge:

The winner will be determined by a random number generator and announced Monday, December 1st. The winner is expected to host their own Pay It Forward Give Away, with their own prizes and rules, thus Paying It Forward.

Questions? No? Good.

If you have a question and are too embarassed to ask in front of the entire class, you can email a Mutha Fudrucker at badmuthafudrucker [at] gmail [dot] com.

Deal or No Deal

I was in Food Lion last night picking up some necessities like Miller Lite and breath freshening dog treats while talking to my sister on the phone and wandering aimlessly through the aisles when I came upon a display of DVDs.

Closer review warranted this photo:

Your eyes are not deceiving you. Both Scooby Doo meets Batman and Stranger than Fiction are being offered for the low low price of just $9.99.

I just bought Superbad and The Darjeeling Limited from Netflix for $5.99 each. But Scooby Doo meets Batman?!? Interesting premise, I’ll have to admit.

I am full of questions: Does Velma pull Batman’s mask off after they track him back to the Batcave? Did they follow the tire marks of phosphorescent bat guano left by the Batmobile? Would Bruce Wayne still be free to stalk the evil-doers of Gotham if it weren’t for those meddling kids? If I can’t come up with suitable answers I may have to spend the $10 just to slake my curiosity.

Stranger than Fiction for $9.99, though; that is a pretty sweet deal.