Peace out, Ninjas

I’m leaving work early today and I won’t be back until Monday. Which means I’ll be doing a lot of this:

and a lot of this:

while the dogs do a lot of this:

and this:


and this:

but not a lot of blogging.

Monday the winner of the Pay it Forward contest will be announced! There is still time to enter!

Fact or Fiction Tuesday

Item 1:

Statement: Because you caught me updating my Netflix queue at work, I have enough time on my hands to help you organize your Mortar, Concrete, and Grout Test Reports.

FICTION
Sure, I have a little time on my hands. I’m efficient. That doesn’t mean I have time to do your job, too. Just to clear something up–when I helped you out a month ago clear off the landfill you call a desk, I wasn’t setting up a standing date. Stop hinting that you could really use my organizational skills again. Buying me lunch isn’t going to entice me back into the no man’s land that is your office. It smells like onions and feet. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a couple of hundred unread blog posts to attend to in my Google Reader. Good day, sir.

Item 2:

Statement: I enjoy coming home to find 3 or 4 pairs of underwear scattered about the house, sans crotch.

FACT
Obviously. Otherwise why would I leave my underwear on the very top of my tall dresser, easily accessible to any passing pitbull with a vertical leap of 6′ or more? Clearly I am too good to wear any single pair of panties more than once.

Item 3:

Statement: Traffic signs displaying ‘SPEED LIMIT 45’ should be interpreted to mean ‘drive as slow as you’d like, preferably 30 mph.’

FICTION
Surprising, I know. Even though one of my headlights burned out last week so I am forced to drive with my brights on to avoid a ticket until I can convince Steve to help me replace the bulb, know that I would be driving with my brights on behind you even if it this wasn’t the case. Because I’d like to be home at 5:45 on a Friday evening, not crawling behind your slow ass, watching as you gab on the phone and toss your cigarette butts out of the window. You probably can’t tell because my bright lights are in your rear view mirror, but I’m giving you the finger.

Item 4:

Statement: I would kick ass at Wheel of Fortune.

FACT


POLYNESIAN RESTAURANT. Got it.
PLUS I would not be a greedy spinner, risking bankrupting myself while trying to up my winnings for the round. I would be content win a couple thousand each round, and really clean up in the ‘toss up’ rounds. I wouldn’t scream or lose my cool when I landed on a big money space, either. I’d calmly collect my cardboard pie piece which represented a trip to New Mexico, and laugh all the way to the bonus round. Which I would win. Then I would give Pat Sajak a high-five and smile at Vanna as she opened the door to the brand new Chevy convertible I had just won. I’d pretend I was driving and honk the horn as the program faded to commercial.

Item 5:

Statement: You can win cool stuff just by commenting on this blog.

FACT

Click here for details.

Who writes checks anymore, anyway?

One of my best friends is staying with me for a month until she leaves for France, so I’ve been trying to keep the house in a semi-orderly state. Lucky for me I’ve found a couple of cleaning ladies who don’t mind working for cheap.

The younger one was pretty gung-ho…


…while the older one was a bit condescending.

The owner was a real bitch, though.

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Anywhoo, last Friday while I was busy giving her an award for her so-hilarious-I-almost-peed-my-pants-that-one-time blog, Dolce was busy giving me one. Awesome! Validation, how I crave thee…

Now I’m supposed to give it to 5 other Uber Amazing bloggers. You should, like, totally be reading these blogs if you aren’t already. So here they are, in a particular order which I will not divulge:

Kate at New Life in South Dakota because I think it is Uber Amazing how she’s taken control of her life, and I always find her posts inspiring. PLUS she has a cooking blog which is new but still ROCKS.

Dingo at As I was Saying because of her Uber Amazing photoshop skillz. Yes, with a Z because they are that amazing.

Crissy at Crissy’s Page because it is the first blog I read in the morning to reward myself for making it to work yet another day. Also she is an Uber Amazing Hot Mommy Blogger.

Lisa at Lemon Gloria; a blog I’ve just started reading but is hilarious and Uber Amazing.

Ben at No Ordinary Rollercoaster because his lunch box rivals mine for it’s Uber Amazing-ness. Also I hope he will take me on a date.

P.S. Don’t forget about the contest! You don’t even have to have a blog (or a pit bull) to win!

BlogSecret pt. II

So…remember the BlogSecret post I hosted where Anonymous wrote a beautiful letter to a girl I’m calling Potential? Remember how we have been on pins and needles waiting to hear if Anonymous would take our collective advice and share the letter with Potential?

Well, Anonymous just sent Potential a birthday card with the address of the post.

Fingers crossed! Keep us updated, Anonymous!

P.S. Don’t forget about the contest.

I know it’s just a t-shirt and a couple of coozies, but we are in an Economic Crisis!

You know that scene in Erin Brokovich where her biker boyfriend presents Julia Roberts with a pair of earrings after giving her a speech about how he had been planning on giving them to her the next time she said ‘thank you’ or did something nice? And how that never happened so he was just going to give them to her now, as he broke up with her?

Well, I told myself last night that I’d do a bloggy give away as soon as I won something. Lo and behold, Lump gave me an award! Sweet. Happy Friday to me!


To prevent my Fabulous Crown from being snatched from my head as I cry and run stumbling from the catwalk, scalp bleeding and mascara running, I am to list 5 of my addictions, and pass it along to 5 other fabulous bloggers.

My addictions:

1. Tetris – Steve has two bathrooms in his house; one is the regular, public bathroom and the other one I call the ‘poopy bathroom’ in my head because it is in the master bedroom and this is where I go when I need to see a man about a horse. In addition to the Maxim magazines, there is a Game Boy. I have sat there, pants around my ankles, for upwards of 45 minutes playing Tetris and trying to beat his high score. I have been as of yet unsuccessful, but maybe I’ll make some chili this weekend and get in some quality time with the Game Boy.

2. Serial novels – I cannot pass up a book series. Sometimes this is good; the Dune series, the Chronicles of Narnia, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Harry Potter, etc. Some times this is not so good. See: Clan of the Cave Bear. The first book was good alright, but the series quickly devolves into soft core housewife porn. I couldn’t stop, though. I slogged through to the end of the series, however, and towards the end it seemed like every other page was a mammoth on human rape scene. When I finally finished, I felt dirty.

3. Socks – I need to have socks on ALL THE TIME. Even if I kick them off during the night, I have a hard time falling asleep without socks on. These little piggies get cold.

4. Karaoke – Karaoke is like a drug to me. Once I sing one song, I want need to sing another, and another, and another, until I’m signing up for songs under various pseudonyms in a desperate attempt to trick the DJ into letting me sing more songs, boasting proudly that “karaoke is 2% singing ability and 98% song choice,” and loudly promising to vomit on the next person who sings “Strawberry Wine.”

5. Biting my fingernails – Hi, my name is Sarah and I am a nail biter. It’s disgusting, I know, but I CAN’T STOP.

I’m passing this along to the following bloggers:

Katie @ save the pitbull, save the world because I am in awe of all the fabulous work she’s done with her adorable pitties, Luce and Mushroom.

LBluca77 for her fabulous bacon eating abilities.

BrazenBareToe for pointing me in the direction of the torture fabulous experience that is NaNoWriMo.

Dolce @ La Dolce Vita for her fabulous ability to make my co-workers doubt my sanity as I laugh out loud not-so-quietly at my desk.

Finally, to Nilsa @ SoMi for organizing and hosting the fabulous BlogSecret.

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Ok, so the first Bad Mutha Fudruckers’ Pay it Forward Give Away.

The prizes: A t-shirt and two coozies from Wilmington’s Most Awesome Dex And Ernie Friendly Bar, The Barbary Coast.

*actual t-shirt/coozy design may vary slightly, as I just made these up from memory in MS Paint today*


How to win
: Leave a comment starting today (11/21) and ending Sunday, November 30 to be entered in the contest. One entry for each comment (multiple comments=multiple entries, up to 2 per post). If you have a blog and pimp this contest on it, you can earn yourself another entry (leave me a comment letting me know you are a pimp). Feel free to use this badge:

The winner will be determined by a random number generator and announced Monday, December 1st. The winner is expected to host their own Pay It Forward Give Away, with their own prizes and rules, thus Paying It Forward.

Questions? No? Good.

If you have a question and are too embarassed to ask in front of the entire class, you can email a Mutha Fudrucker at badmuthafudrucker [at] gmail [dot] com.

Deal or No Deal

I was in Food Lion last night picking up some necessities like Miller Lite and breath freshening dog treats while talking to my sister on the phone and wandering aimlessly through the aisles when I came upon a display of DVDs.

Closer review warranted this photo:

Your eyes are not deceiving you. Both Scooby Doo meets Batman and Stranger than Fiction are being offered for the low low price of just $9.99.

I just bought Superbad and The Darjeeling Limited from Netflix for $5.99 each. But Scooby Doo meets Batman?!? Interesting premise, I’ll have to admit.

I am full of questions: Does Velma pull Batman’s mask off after they track him back to the Batcave? Did they follow the tire marks of phosphorescent bat guano left by the Batmobile? Would Bruce Wayne still be free to stalk the evil-doers of Gotham if it weren’t for those meddling kids? If I can’t come up with suitable answers I may have to spend the $10 just to slake my curiosity.

Stranger than Fiction for $9.99, though; that is a pretty sweet deal.

My life as a drinking game

When I was a kid, I desperately wanted a dog (shocking, no?). My parents didn’t cave until I was 13, when they bought my sisters and I the craziest Dalmatian you’ve ever met; however that is a story for another time.

For years I tried to trick them into letting me get a pet. When kittens were born (every 4 months) under the dumpster behind our elementary school, I’d bring the mewling, flea-covered kittens to my mom’s office and dare her to look into their crusty little eyes and deny them a home. Every science fair I begged my mom to let me get mice to train in a maze. Actually, if we’re being truthful here, first I asked for rats, thinking she’d never go for that and then I could maybe bargain her down to mice.

Thus began my unhealthy obsession with lab mice and rats. Reading “Flowers for Algernon” only intensified my longing; of course my little mouse would be a genius. I re-read the description of the mouse habitat built by the Grandmother in Roald Dahl’s “The Witches” and fantasized about the tunnels and mazes I’d make so my mice minions could follow me around the house, safely out of the grasp of my little sisters.

One of my favorite movies as a kid was “The Secret of NIMH.” I still have a VHS copy that I watch sometimes as I fall asleep. I popped it in to watch again last night. As I lay there, waiting for my bed to warm up and fighting the dogs for blankets, I found myself devising a drinking game to go along with the movie.

Take a drink every time Mrs. Brisby is referred to as “Mrs. Jonathan Brisby.”

Take a drink every time Jeremy the Crow sneezes.

Take a drink every time Auntie Shrew r-r-r-r-r-rolls her R’s.

Take a drink every time Cynthia says “Timmy’s sick!”

I could go on. Not only was I laying in bed making up drinking games that no one besides me would ever want to play, I started thinking about what a great blog post it would make.

Clearly I am scraping the bottom of the barrel for post ideas.

Blog Secret


Thanks so much to Nilsa at SoMi for hosting Blog Secret! It was very cathartic and I hope we can do it again. So without further ado, I bring you an anonymous post from one of over 75 bloggers.

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Dear You,
I miss you. I considered taking a semester off before changing
schools because of you.
You’re leaving for South America and there is a very
good chance that you will never talk to me again.
We can both lie and say
that we’ll keep in touch, but neither of us has enough of what the other lacks
to keep things going on.

I’m realizing more and more how perfect we
are for each other. We are alike enough that I don’t fear
anything with you,
and you fit perfectly in my arms. I’ve never slept as well as that first night
next to you.
And I’ve never had such a long walk as the one from your room
to the train station that day.

I bring your walls down. And you help me
fortify myself. It works. It works like really nothing else I’ve ever
felt.
I’m not going to say it’s love, because for the first time I understand what
love is about. It’s not about
love at first sight. It’s about seeing
potential. Enough potential to take all of the risks that would arise.

I
guess what I’m trying to say is: I’d wait two long South American years for you.

Lauren wins BIG!!

My sister went on a gambling cruise this weekend. This is the email she sent me this morning when I asked how it went:

Hey sarah…we did go gambling and it was a terrible time…who would of thunk I’d get sick..darn motion sickness…i took 2 Dramamine but I still threw up..twice!! And lost 20 bucks! And then when we were getting off the boat it started torrentially raining on us..so I had to ride back from s.c soaking wet..and I wanted to just take my shirt off to let it dry, but thought it might me inappropriate since it was me, A, her brother and their mom..but I should of just did it..cause now I think I’m dying of pneumonia

Ooh, details please!

i was sitting at the slot machine, we had just hit international waters so we could finally start gambling and I told A that I was going to barf..i said “it’s coming” and she said..well let me get u a bag…(a barf bag)…it seemed like an eternity before she came back, enough time for me to throw up 3 times in my mouth and have to swallow it back down…when she finally came strolling back up with the relief bag, I was pretty much done…but I had some spit I could pack the bag with. We then decided to move to the other side of the ship. I sat in the stool for about maybe 30 more minutes..when this old lady came and sat next to me..then I threw up by her…it didn’t seem to faze her because she stayed and played some more..much to my disappointment..i wanted her to leave me be…when she finally moved I threw my 2nd and last barf bag away. At this time the swaying of the boat was making my eyes real heavy so I laid my head on my arms up on the front of the slot machines. Much to my amazement I fell asleep sitting in a backless stool swaying with the 3 ft swells of the ocean. I didn’t wake up until an old black man sat next to me and woke me up. He then apologized for doing so, and I thought in my head…wtf? There are a million other open slots…but then I just went back to sleep. The boat finally turned around and we were going with the waves, so I felt slightly better. I moved over by A and her mom at the electronic poker seats and laid out there.

And her description of the ride home? Priceless.

Ya..5 hours on that boat…but after I threw up 2 times…i just laid on the slot machines and went to sleep. And what’s really funny is I was trying to look cute on the trip because I have a secret crush on A’s brother…but if u didn’t know already…vomit=not cute. I had to learn the hard way…

Don’t we all.