Fact or Fiction Tuesday

Item 1:

Statement: Because you caught me updating my Netflix queue at work, I have enough time on my hands to help you organize your Mortar, Concrete, and Grout Test Reports.

FICTION
Sure, I have a little time on my hands. I’m efficient. That doesn’t mean I have time to do your job, too. Just to clear something up–when I helped you out a month ago clear off the landfill you call a desk, I wasn’t setting up a standing date. Stop hinting that you could really use my organizational skills again. Buying me lunch isn’t going to entice me back into the no man’s land that is your office. It smells like onions and feet. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a couple of hundred unread blog posts to attend to in my Google Reader. Good day, sir.

Item 2:

Statement: I enjoy coming home to find 3 or 4 pairs of underwear scattered about the house, sans crotch.

FACT
Obviously. Otherwise why would I leave my underwear on the very top of my tall dresser, easily accessible to any passing pitbull with a vertical leap of 6′ or more? Clearly I am too good to wear any single pair of panties more than once.

Item 3:

Statement: Traffic signs displaying ‘SPEED LIMIT 45’ should be interpreted to mean ‘drive as slow as you’d like, preferably 30 mph.’

FICTION
Surprising, I know. Even though one of my headlights burned out last week so I am forced to drive with my brights on to avoid a ticket until I can convince Steve to help me replace the bulb, know that I would be driving with my brights on behind you even if it this wasn’t the case. Because I’d like to be home at 5:45 on a Friday evening, not crawling behind your slow ass, watching as you gab on the phone and toss your cigarette butts out of the window. You probably can’t tell because my bright lights are in your rear view mirror, but I’m giving you the finger.

Item 4:

Statement: I would kick ass at Wheel of Fortune.

FACT


POLYNESIAN RESTAURANT. Got it.
PLUS I would not be a greedy spinner, risking bankrupting myself while trying to up my winnings for the round. I would be content win a couple thousand each round, and really clean up in the ‘toss up’ rounds. I wouldn’t scream or lose my cool when I landed on a big money space, either. I’d calmly collect my cardboard pie piece which represented a trip to New Mexico, and laugh all the way to the bonus round. Which I would win. Then I would give Pat Sajak a high-five and smile at Vanna as she opened the door to the brand new Chevy convertible I had just won. I’d pretend I was driving and honk the horn as the program faded to commercial.

Item 5:

Statement: You can win cool stuff just by commenting on this blog.

FACT

Click here for details.

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18 thoughts on “Fact or Fiction Tuesday

  1. i “love” when i come home to find my undies all over the floor without the crotch. i love it so much that the dog that did it will hide under the bed when he sees that i noticed. πŸ˜‰

  2. Thank GOD my doggies haven’t developed the crotch fetish yet πŸ™‚

    Oh and yes, you can get those shoes in adult sizes!! They are damn pricy though!

  3. I’ll bake you several pumpkin bread mini-cupcakes if you help me organize my stuff. I promise nothing of mine smells like feet. I’m a clean freak.

    Crotchless unmentionables = awesome.

  4. dr zibbs – Consider it done. Keep checking your mailbox.

    rialeilani – Unfortunately my dog isn’t smart enough to feel guilty. He strews them about the house, and then presents me with the nearest one when I get home; you know, just in case I’m up for a quick game of tug.

    ~trish~ – I would totally rock those shoes as I skateboarded down the street. Then I would look cool even when I fell and cried.

    marie – Deal. Start baking.

    lump – I’m so jealous. Do they make baby gates 7 feet tall? Oh wait; I guess those are called doors.

  5. lemmonex – eBay! You know there are some Vanna fetishists out there who would totally snap up some Chevy Malibus guaranteed to be touched by Mrs. White herself!

  6. Onions and feet? I just pucked in my mouth. I hate feet…no LOATH feet.

    onions suck too.

    As for wheel of fortune…I’m never playing you. That sh*t was crazy.

  7. Not sure why, but our dogs prefer sock toes to panty crotches. Good thing, too, because I’m cheap and don’t like buying new panties. We gave up long ago of leaving the dogs loose in the house during the day. For me the kicker was a few years back when I came home to find LITERALLY every square inch of my 1000 square foot home covered in something. I only had one dog at home that day, too, so I guess it could have been worse (we have 3 dogs total). I just stood in the doorway and cried tears of frustration and shock while my dog smiled at me from her perch on the couch all innocent like.

    Now? the dogs are toally locked up in their crates during the day. I’m mean like that. πŸ™‚

  8. I always wondered if Pat just gave out free copies of Wheel of Fortune the play-it-at-home addition whenever he had to go to gift giving events. Christmas, birthdays, graduations.

    I mean, he’s gotta have like a million of those things. And I for one wouldn’t complain if I were on the receiving end.

  9. dolce – I don’t even know why I wrote that. I threw up in my mouth, too, just thinking about it.

    daisee579 – I’m all about the crating. But those bastards lull me into believing they aren’t really going to do it by going MONTHS without an episode…then BAM! PANTY MASSACRE!

    so – I wish I was friends with Pat Sajak. I wouldn’t even care if he gave me the Wheel of Fortune home edition for Christmas, then gave it to me again for my birthday because he forgot he’d already given it to me.
    I’m a forgiving friend like that.

    “And I for one wouldn’t complain if I were on the receiving end.”
    –that’s what she said

  10. Your first mistake is being efficient and competent enough for people to want you to do their work for them. That would never happen to me.

    Also, my office smells like my feet, which coincidentally smell like onions.

    Are you sure that’s not Indonesian Restaurant?

    You know, some people spend extra money on crotchless panties. Your doggies are doing you a favor. And I think you should throw in some crotchless panties as prizes for the contest. Just saying.

    Okay, enough of this commenting on blogs using my blackberry while I drive. I’ve got phone calls to make.

  11. Eww, feet and onions. Somehow my co-workers office always smells like chewing tobacco. I hide glade plugins all over their offices.

    So you’re the one blinding me while I’m still trying to set my clock for daylight savings time and fiddling with my radio settings.

  12. OMG after “sans crotch” I was laughing so hard there were tears, yes my friend tears. So funny.

    Tomorrow when I go to work I am telling everyone I am sans crotch. And no I am not a hooker, well not by trade.

  13. nilsa – I’d like to say I’m amazed. Like if they did some laundry or organized the pantry. Usually I’m just disappointed.

    stoogepie – If you win, you are definately getting crotchless panties.

    brazenbaretoe – So it’s you driving 15 mph under the posted speed limit…

    And thanks for pimping!

    lbluca77 – Please, PLEASE tell everyone at work you are sans crotch. And then blog about it.

    But maybe they will think you are in the middle of some sort of gender reassignment process?

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