Birds are the devil

It’s no secret that I hate birds. Those bitches are mean and disgusting. Just the other week I in my car, reading the last of When You Are Engulfed in Flames, when a flock of mockingbirds swarmed my car. Mostly they just pooped all over it, but one of those fuckers tried to get in through the window I’d left cracked. He kept trying to squeeze his diseased-ridden body through the 1 inch opening, and when he finally realized he wasn’t going to make it in, he hurled himself repeatedly again the window before attacking his reflection in my side-view mirror. I was so shocked by the initial onslaught I spilled my delicious apple cider in my lap. After the birds left, I sat in my car, shaking, and looked around the parking lot to see if anyone else had witnessed my “When Animals Attack” experience. Seriously, I think the kamikaze one had rabies.

Dr. Zibbs from That Blue Yak posted a truly horrifying story yesterday about some hillbilly who passed out in the desert and woke up as a TURKEY BUZZARD landed on his chest. Dr. Zibbs touted it as a “funny story” but it was actually a terrifying story. After I read it I threw up on my desk. Well, maybe I didn’t actually throw up, but I was seriously disturbed. I tried to shake it off and leave a funny comment, pretending that I wasn’t way freaked out, but all I could think about was a huge-ass vulture sitting on my chest, getting ready to use his sharp beak to peck out my eyes AND EAT THEM. I’m getting goose bumps just thinking about it.

Even if I didn’t like to eat poultry I still would do it, just to show those fuckers who’s the boss.

I’m sorry I said ‘fuckers’ twice. Well, now three times. See what birds do to me?

18 thoughts on “Birds are the devil

  1. Crows frequently sit on my skylight and try to tap through to my kitchen and my small, meal-sized dogs. I hate hate hate hate hate it.

  2. Update for you: Just now a pigeon smacked right into my office window. My roomie and I heard a loud thump, looked at the window and found feathers stuck to it.

    Did I just make your day or what?

  3. I hate birds too. I especially hate people that have them as pets. It is pointless. Birds don’t cuddle with you or sleep next to you when it’s cold and keep you warm. All they do is sit in a cage and make noise.

    Birds suck!

  4. ben – I thought that was just eagles? I hope the newf is still on look-out.

    surviving myself – Help is always appreciated.

    marie – Absolutely nothing (say it again now)! My day has been made, if the bird is dead. And not a zombie bird.

    lump – They are real, and they suck big time. I’m comfortable saying I hate them.

    lbluca77 – My aunts have a bird, and the only cool thing it does is poop on command.

    birds as pets: -6

  5. arjewtino – Holy smokes I read your story and I have to commend you on your composure. There would have been no ‘polite nudging’ of the pidgeons–those fuckers would have been drop kicked.

    Birds attacking my face? No thank you. Yet another reason I will never grow a mustache.

    kate – I begged Steve to come over and shoot the mockingbirds with his air rifle, but he wouldn’t. That son of a bitch.

    rs27 – I hate mockingbirds. There is plenty of room in the club. You should redirect your hatred.

  6. You were reading a book titles “When You Are Engulfed in Flames” and then got hit my barrage of devil birds and their excrement?

    I think that was foreshadowing.

  7. We have a road that the birds commit suicide on. I’ve hit about 4 already they just fly in front of the car and bop their dead. Just doing my community service on behalf of all bird haters.

  8. i have written a whole post about how much i hate birds too! they are the rats of the sky i tell you.

    and a bird has kamikazed my car TWICE.

  9. Birds are sneaky things. And dirty. Sneaky, dirty things. With mites. I can’t even click over to the story about the pteradactyl landing on that guys chest.

  10. ~trish~ – Thanks! I had a blast with the vulture this time, but I kept thinking about the vultures in “The Jungle Book” and I started to get even more creeped out. They want to eat Mowgli!

    so – Come on, it’s David Sedaris! Plus, I’m going to need to know what to do if I ever spontaneously combust. It could happen.

    brazenbaretoe – One of my high school friends had this old isuzu van with a SERIOUSLY flat front; he would hit birds all the time. Once I was riding with him, not paying attention, and all of a sudden I hear, ‘Oh no, not again!’ and then he hit a bird. I couldn’t stop laughing.

    Fucking birds.

    alexa – I hope President Elect Obama has this on his agenda. Terrorists are real and they are using birds as weapons.


    dingo – It was a shock, let me tell you. I should have known not to read it because there was a big ol’ picture of a vulture at the head of the post, but stupid me just kept reading.

    Speaking of birds, how’s McJagger doing? Long time, no update…

  11. I agree, birds are ridiculous. I don’t know if its just New Jersey birds, but they’re flying at a much lower altitude now. Like when I’m driving down the highway, they graze the top of my car.

    And then there’s the bird that squawks every damn morning outside my window. What ever happened to the cute Cinderella birds?

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