Sorry, internets, I’ve been an asshole blogger.

Posting on Monday?** Who does that? Certainly not any cool people…

I have a serious case of holiday induced I-don’t-feel-like-doing-shit-itis. Actually, I do feel like doing something. Namely, sitting on my couch, reading Breaking Dawn and sipping on some dark hot chocolate spiked with peppermint schnapps. Unfortunately, that is not a paying gig and if I want to continue to heat the house and keep dog food in Ernie and Dex’s bowls, I’m going to have to do some actual work around here.*

This morning I got stuck behind a school bus. Crappy, I know, but it was made even more crappy because not one but two creepy kids stared at me the entire time. We’re talking 5 miles with at least 7 stop lights. At first I pretended I didn’t see them, but I kept making accidental eye contact when I’d check to see if they were still looking at me. Then I pretended to be singing along to the radio, but my car stereo was stolen and I haven’t replaced it yet. I haven’t been able to get Britney Spears out of my head since this weekend, and I felt a little weird mouthing “wo-man-izer wo-man wo-man-izer you’re a wo-man-izer” to elementary school kids. At the next stoplight I pretended to be engrossed in the Christmas card my friend Julie had sent me.

Oh, Julie, how nice of you to include Hemo in the card, even though Hemo is a bitch and doesn’t celebrate Christmas or any other holiday other than Breakfast and Dinner.

Even though the card was glittery, it wasn’t enough to hold my attention for much more than 20 seconds at a time.

Why am I so desperate to put on a show for these kids? Jeez, shouldn’t they be picking their noses and wiping boogers on each other? Speaking of picking noses…

*slaps hand away from nose*

No, Sarah, don’t set a bad example.

Oh, Swiss Miss and peppermint schnapps, knowing you are waiting for me at the end of the day is hopefully enough to keep me from pulling a George Costanza and napping under my desk for most of today…
——————————————————
*Not here here, because unfortunately blogging is not a paying gig. It is cheaper than therapy and it makes me sound busy at work, though.
**Proofreading? The cool kids aren’t doing this, either, are they? I mean, I know this one isn’t.

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19 thoughts on “Sorry, internets, I’ve been an asshole blogger.

  1. I think your disease is catching, because I definitely have it. Apparently commenting on blogs, while making me sound busy with all the typing, isn’t actually included in my job description. Huh, who knew.

    P.S. I’ve never had hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps. What the hell! Where have I been? I can’t wait to go to the liquor store and stock up!!!

  2. Hemo sounds like my kinda cat! Breakfast and dinner are sacred institutions. Kinda like marriage, or in the case of Snap, Crackle, and Pop, civil unions. Oh come on! We all know they’re gay! Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  3. Hey I posted on Monday, cheap shot!! he he

    You should have just flipped the kids off. That’s what I would have done. They are not to young to learn the fine art of the driving finger.

  4. trish – I can only pretend to be studying last month’s electric bill for so long, kids. LOOK AWAY!

    daisee579 – You need to get on the deliciousness train, girlie. Hot chocolate + peppermint schnapps = best winter drink ever (because everyone knows that egg nog sucks).

    dingo – I thought there was something up with those guys. Crackle is such a tease, though…it’s so wrong to keep poor Snap and Pop hanging. It’s decision time, biotch!

    lbluca77 – If those kids would have flipped me off back, though, I would have lost my shit.

  5. What if you came over and I backed hoards of cookies and pumpkin bread and we just munch it down while sitting on the couch, most likely passing out afterwords?

    Oh that doesn’t make us money either? Crap.

    Trying staring the kids down next time. I’ve done that before and they usually look away.

  6. What can i say, hemo is the og bad mutha fudruckers!!! If i hadn’t included her in the card-i would get attacked by her next time i come over. nobody wants to get attacked by hemo! NOBODY!!!

  7. marie – If you keep tempting me with baked goods, don’t be surprised when I show up on your doorstep with a bottle of wine in one hand and a fistful of hungry in the other.

    dr zibbs – Oh man, if I didn’t work for the school system I *so* would have mooned them.

    julie – That bitch is crazy. And thanks for the card, btw!

  8. I do things like pick my nose, spit out the window and sing along to bad songs when I know that children are looking. I mean, why set the bar too high?

  9. The fact that you can mouth the words to a Britney Spears song should be more worrisome than any of the above, including the desire to pick your nose.

  10. rs27 – I can’t beliebe I didn’t throw up the middle finger, either. It’s a crazy world we’re living in.

    kate – “Look at me, kids. This is the rest of your life! Britney Spears and boogers.”

    lump – They’re everywhere!

    I-66 – Oh I’m worried. But that’s what the spiked hot chocolate is for.

  11. I came back to tell you I told my hubby about the spiked hot chocolate at lunch. His wiggly eyebrows definitely indicated an interest. šŸ™‚

  12. I swear I’ll stop switching my identity one of these days. But not today.

    Also, I don’t understand kids. I might have rammed the bus just to get out of the awkwardness. And in a pinch does a vodka tonic sub in for hot chocolate/schnapps? Because it’s drink o’clock here and that’s what I have.

  13. When I was in kindergarten (yes, all those many years ago), we lived in an area that didn’t provide buses except for the high school. My mom picked me up with my friends after school and we got stuck behind one of the high school buses. The teenagers thought it would be funny to moon my mother, and her carload of 5-year-olds. My mom was hysterically laughing as all of us girls just kept screaming, “EWWWWWW!”
    Oh, sweet memories.

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