Seriously, it’s not that hard.

As Nancy’s birthday lunch comes to a close…


…Dummy McStupidFace makes a fatal mistake.

The bill arrives…

…and the shit hits the fan.

Things get really ugly, really quickly.

The moral of this story? Always, always ask for separate checks.

and bring some small bills, mother fuckers.

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30 thoughts on “Seriously, it’s not that hard.

  1. ..or just do the ‘one person charges it, the rest give him cash’ thing?

    That’s normally what we do, cause we know a lot of places that refuse to break a check more than twice.

    ARGH!

  2. i HATE when people are like ‘oh we don’t need separate checks” um yes dumbass we do. why make it harder when it’s so easy for them to split it up?

    loved your paint pictures…hilarious 🙂

  3. As a former restaurant professional, I can state that is a real pain in the ass to split a check more than two or three ways. I have always found it easier to simply not dine with people who cannot look at a check like adults. Like Lem said, small bills when dining in groups.

  4. ahahaha YES. I think we all experience this. I hate it when one person tries to split the bill evenly and then pays with a gift card. bitches.

  5. andy – I made that mistake the first time I ate out with my co-workers; Dummy McStupidFace still owes me $12.

    An elephant never forgets…

    ben – How many kinds?

    lemmonex – Preach it, sister.

    ria – Thanks! Everyone has a gift.

    restaurant refugee – I waited tables all through college, too, and I would much rather split a simple lunch ticket (with no alcohol) 6 ways than be handed a wad of cash and 3 different credit cards, with instructions to ‘run the VISA for $14.37, the AMEX for $12.52, and the Chase card for $11.75. The rest is all for you!’

    lump – Even smeven. That guy is a douche.

  6. rs27 – Mother fucker ordered two drinks. That warrants a kidney stabbing.

    surviving myself – I’ll be here all week. Maybe.

  7. Don’t you think this should be part of employee training? I mean, they teach you all kinds of stupid stuff like how to overcharge the client but not bring small bills to lunch or the rest of the staff will pee in your coffee when you are away from your desk.

    Were you looking at your watch as a hint that it was time to go or were you counting down to the bloodbath?

  8. I’m just of the mindset that unless one or a few people are in a $$ bind and/or one or a few people order something way more expensive than everyone else, that we will split the bill into equal parts. Seems to work just fine with my peeps…

  9. I’m just of the mindset that unless one or a few people are in a $$ bind and/or one or a few people order something way more expensive than everyone else, that we will split the bill into equal parts. Seems to work just fine with my peeps…

  10. dingo – I think the skill should be taught along with sex ed in middle school. I feel it’s just as important.

    I was looking at my watch to confirm that there were only 4 hours left of the work day. Sometimes I have to go minute by minute.

    kate – Thanks!

    nilsa – My peeps are petty and mean-spirited. My work peeps, anyway.

  11. Yeah I used to have certain friends that would order the most expensive stuff and then pay the least. I wanted to kill them, now we just divide the check by the number, seems to work out.

  12. And why is it that someone how the check still ends up short no matter how you split the bill??

    People need to losen the purse strings a bit.

  13. wow did you hit the nail on the head with this one. hilarious. having been in the service industry for a long time i kinda loved watching people squirm over the bill splitting.

    evil i am.

  14. wow did you hit the nail on the head with this one. hilarious. having been in the service industry for a long time i kinda loved watching people squirm over the bill splitting.

    evil i am.

  15. kylie – Welcome to my life.

    kristen – Sometimes I hate people. And thanks!

    narm – She does have a magnetic personality, if she does say so herself. That doesn’t really make sense, either.

    c. watson – I’m down for splitting with friends, but I’m not subsidizing Dummy McStupidFace’s clam chowder. At least when I eat out with my friends, I get to have a few beers. That always makes me feel more generous.

    arjewtino – Have I told you there’s no one else above you? Yes, that’s Michael Bolton, and yes, I went there.

    lbluca77 – Yeah! Fucking tightwads. Cough it up, Dummy!

    alexa – I always encouraged people to split the bill when I waited tables; I don’t want Stingy McTightWad in charge of my entire 15%!

  16. And this is why I chose to only drink water at times like these. So much cheaper and usually don’t have to pay but watch people haggle over the bill.

  17. OR when you’re going out for a group birthday party, BE PREPARED to just split the freaking check 6 ways or however many of you there are. Or ask for separate checks ahead of time and bring small bills. DUH.

    Except you expressed this in the funniest way I have ever heard!

  18. Oh my god! I can’t believe all the great posts I missed last week while I was traveling.

    This is great. For the first time, I’m grateful my co-workers don’t ask me out to lunch.

  19. Pingback: Yay birthday lunches! « Bad Mutha Fudruckers

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