News flash: the refrigerator is not magic

There are lot of good things about living by yourself:

  • no dress code (read: pants optional)
  • the box of Thin Mints you’ve been saving for 3 months is still in the freezer
  • you can be pretty sure of the origin of any hair you find in the shower drain

Just to name a few.

A bad thing about living alone is that it is really hard to cook for one.  Sure, leftovers for lunch rock, but how many days in a row can you seriously eat vegetable lasagna?*   With every moldy block of cheese I throw out, the sound of money being flushed down the drain rings in my head.  Another downside: there are no ‘surprises.’  Much like browsing your closet for a shirt you know you don’t own, searching the refrigerator for pickles you know aren’t there because you know you haven’t bought them is an exercise in disappointment.  Once you eat the last string cheese, no more are going to magically appear in the ‘fridge.

Sometimes you forget about things, though.  A while ago**I bought some orange juice to make sangria with.  I’m not a big orange juice drinker (my fruit juice of choice being Simply Limeade), so the OJ sat forgotten in the door of my ‘fridge.

Until last night.  After hoovering down a sleeve of Thin Mints after hoarding them in the freezer for 3 months, I wandered to the kitchen in search of something to quench my post-binge thirst.  Standing in front of the refrigerator and brushing the minty crumbs off of my shirt, I spied the forgotten orange juice.

“I wonder if that’s still good,” I asked, pulling it out of the fridge.  The vague “best if used by date”: March ’09.  As we are approaching May ’09, I questioned the viability of the contents of carton.  A quick sniff test revealed no obvious answers (orange juice is supposed to smell a bit sour, right?).

Fuck it, I’ll just pour some in a glass and see if any mold floats to the top.

I did, and none did, so I drank it.  I’m still alive today.  I might even drink some more tonight.

*answer: 3.  After that, the vegetables get a bit mushy and the whole thing starts tasting like the dodgy cafeteria spaghetti you had back in middle school.
**My default is to say “a couple of weeks ago,” even if the event I’m retelling happened when I was in 7th grade.  This obviously does not apply in this case; “a couple of months ago” would be more accurate.

13 thoughts on “News flash: the refrigerator is not magic

  1. See, now when I was living by myself, NO WAY would a box of Thin Mints last this long. In fact, I’d eat a box, pretend I didn’t, buy a new box, and pretend the new box was the first box. Because nobody was there to know the difference. Hubby now will “mention” when I’ve eaten a whole box of cookies. It’s annoying.

    Hopefully you won’t be back to “mention” that you’ve slapped your husband silly.

  2. Thin Mints would not last by myself or with my husband around. However, string cheese does magically appear in my house now that I am married. That I like!

    I am magically green with envy.

  3. Clearly you have the wrong refrigerator. Go to Sears and ask for the magic special.

    Do you think they’ll take my magical dollars?

  4. You know what’s an unfortunate thing about being married? When you eat that last string cheese? More of it still won’t magically appear tomorrow. Or the day after. Not unless you tell your husband to go to the fucking store and replenish. hahaha.

    Don’t even get me started on the magically disappearing string cheese. If I didn’t eat the last one, there should still be one left, right?

  5. I think the acidicness of OJ just kills all the bacteria that makes stuff go bad. Ive never had bad orange juice. Also, another plus of living alone… never walking in on your roomate doing things that scar you for life. Or that roomate walking in on you…

    I feel the same way about mustard. Not the scarring for life part. Mustard and I have a system–a sock on the door means ‘don’t even think about coming in here.’

  6. When I lived alone, I didn’t cook. As long as the rum didn’t run out, I was great. In fact, I was skinny. Slept more than 8 hours a night. Gave myself a pedicure once a week. Wow. That was a stroll down memory lane. Moving on.

    I’m so with Jules. My husband has the most annoying habit of announcing things like, “Boy, that ice cream/cookies/wine didn’t last long.” Thank you, Captain Obvious!

    Once, Ernie ate a box of Caramel Delites. Now I know that I would so blame binge-eating on the dog, if there were anyone around to judge me.

  7. I always eat bad when I’m alone and they kiddos go to their dad’s. It’s kind of my treat 🙂 I need to be better about going to the store and keeping food at home though…crazy concept LOL

    I couldn’t imagine trying to keep food in the house with kids. My hat is off to you!

  8. Actually I always liked NOT cooking for two because I could come home and have pasta or cereal and wouldn’t care. Plus no need to constantly go to the grocery store.

    Also, I hate cooking.

    I just hate leftovers. I hardly ever want to eat them.

  9. I can’t smell the difference between good milk and bad milk. Not many people want me to make them coffee when they’re over.

    I won’t smell the difference between good and bad milk. Not worth the barfing.

  10. Hmm, while I’m not one to be anal about expiration dates and all, I do have to question the choice of OJ after thin mints. Of course, my hub enjoys a nice juicy pickle after eating chocolate chip cookies or ice cream. So maybe I’m just off.

    Have you ever had one of those chocolate orange things? Where you “smash” it and the sections seperate into orange-y chocolate deliciousness? Well, it was kind of like that.

  11. So true. What I thought was green onion was acutally sprouting garlic in my fridge and I’m not sure what’s in the other drawer as it has turned blackish green.

    So did you plant it?

  12. Thank God I have a roommate, because my fear of living alone has nothing to do with drinking old milk or a whole tray of lasagna, but more so of hitting my head and passing out. I mean, I’m extra clumsy, I need the reassurance that someone will find me within 24 hours. Not to scare you or anything…

    Dang. Now I’m going to have to start wearing my non-slip shoes 24-7.

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