I may have to take pervert classes with Liz Lemon: A TMI Thursday Overshare

TMI Thursday

I’m not even sure this is TMI, but it isn’t something I’m proud of and so I’m running with it.

Oh internets.  I come to you today with a shameful confession: I check out men’s packages.  A lot.

I don’t know why and I can’t help it.  It’s not a sexual thing…well, sometimes it is but most of the time it’s not.  I’m not, like, judging anyone on shape or comparing bulges.  Jeez, internets, I’m not an animal.  I just can’t help but look. 

I am always the first to notice someone’s fly is down.

“Not that I’m looking but… your fly is down.”

Oh but I am looking.  Old, young, fugly, attractive–I am an equal opportunity peeker.

I’d like to think that I’m pretty discrete about the whole thing; a quick glance and then I go on about my business.  There was nothing discrete about my behavior yesterday, though.

Again, I couldn’t help it.  At work I deal with a lot of outside contractors, and all I needed from this particular gentleman were 2 documents so I could draw up a contract.  Instead of handing me the two pieces of paper, he was blabbering on about boring shit.  I don’t think it was important, or at least I hope it wasn’t because I wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying at all. 

For starters, he looked like a bizarro version of a guy I used to date; an older, cleaner-cut, probably sober version.  It was eerie.  Secondly (is that even a word?), he was wearing green pants and a beige canvas belt.  Something about that combination was like a Chinese finger trap for my eyes.  I could not look away.  I guess it also didn’t help that I was sitting at my desk and he was standing to the side of my monitor, putting his, ahem, area, right in my line of sight.

It was awkward, at least for me.

Finally I was able to tear my eyes away from his crotch long enough to make eye contact and let him know that if he could email the documents in question to me by 10 am tomorrow morning, that would be fine.

But I couldn’t let it go there, internets.

He laughed at my use of “fine” and asked what would have been “perfect.”

“Right now would have been perfect,” I answered, “but I’m used to dissappointment so I’ll be satisfied with fine.”

Guys, I don’t even know what that means, but at the time it sounded vaguely sexual.  By the time he left my face was bright red and I wanted to hide under desk for the remainder of the day.

Head on over and see LiLu for more TMI deliciousness.

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16 thoughts on “I may have to take pervert classes with Liz Lemon: A TMI Thursday Overshare

  1. Green pants and beige canvas belt? His package was probably trying to communicate with you, “please, please get us out of here!”

    Shut up, package! I can’t let you out in front of God and all of my co-workers! This isn’t a [insert cheesey work-related porn title here] Vol. II! Exclamation point!

  2. I’m a bulge gaper, too. I’ll admit it.

    PS Secondly is a word. No red squiggly line when you type it 😀

    I don’t trust spell check. Especially when it tell me ‘no spelling errors found.’ Come on…I know there’s at least one.

  3. Jeez. You sound like a hardass bitch at work with a slight veil of inappropriate undertones.

    Come work with me?

    I’d probably end up lifting the veil…ALL INAPPROPRIATE ALL THE TIME!

  4. I’m sorry, did you say green pants? Maybe you were just staring at how horrible the green colored pants were? Cause I would. Not that I stare at guys’ packages. Ok sometimes I do.

    I’ve said too much.

    They were kind of a nice green, but not something I would expect a man to pair with a beige belt. I kind of wanted it for myself.

  5. So here’s what I noticed. The huge bulge in the pants is mostly just the balls…so if someone has a huge balls, I just say “No, it’s not the dick that’s big. It’s just probably the oversized balls”.

    That’s what I think, too! I’m all, ‘ew, balls.’

  6. I checked out my boyfriend’s bass player’s package one morning. Well, it couldn’t be helped….it was just….out there, you know? And he was pretty cute, and my eyes just naturally gravitated to his gigantic-looking half-massed morning wood as I emerged from my bat cave one morning, and he did the same at the same time.

    Also, I guess my eyes gravitated to my ex-brother-in-law’s crotch, too. . . but you know what? If he’s going to root around and adjust or check to make sure all the family jewels are still intact or whatever he was doing….I’m going to look. Especially since I’m 12, at the time. But once I was like “Oh my gosh you guys……EX-Bro-In-Law totally was touching himself on his way into the restaurant today!” ….my family members thought I was attracted to him. Uh…hell naw!

    Normally, my eyes gravitate towards guys’ butts. Not that I’m attracted to them. I just think they’re funny! lol

    Eww, gross ex-bro-in-law. And kudos to you for calling him out, even if it did make your family think you were a pervert.

  7. A of all, I LOVE this turn of phrase “like a Chinese finger trap for my eyes”

    B of all, I don’t trust the red squiggly underline either. WordPress spellcheck doesn’t recognize the word “blog.” Irony much?

    A: Thanks! B: Yeah, get with the times, wordpress.

  8. I’m an ass girl, but that’ll get you into trouble too… trust.

    Happy TMIT!

    Ass, huh? I guess there’s less chance of getting caught, at least by the ass-owner.

  9. I thought we all did that, which makes it slightly less shameful for you:) Glad I could help.

    Thanks. It’s nice to know I’m in good company.

  10. I think you were mostly disappointed in the green pants/canvas belt situation. I know I am!

    Actually, I was kind of digging it. On me, though, not him.

  11. Sign me up for the pervert classes. I always stare down south at the package. It is just payback for them staring at our boobs.

    I even do it to my 70 year old boss. Barf.

  12. I have the same problem. My desk is low and with 80% male workforce in uniform walking by it’s hard not to glance. Just one quicky peeky.

    Quicky and peeky are not words feel free to use them maybe they will be “added to dictionary”.

    I wonder how they’d fly in Scrabble?

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