Call out the negotiator

Does anyone else have Tom Petty’s “Something in the Air” stuck in their head?  No?  Just me then.

Moving on…

You know what sucks about the end of a relationship?  A lot of things, I guess, but today I’m specifically talking about the awkward exchange of hostages that occurs after you’ve broken up but you are still losing sleep over the casserole dish you left at his house.  Sure, it’s only a casserole dish and you could just replace it, but it was a birthday present from your mom.  And it has a serving cradle!

So, you make the phone call (or in my case, an email, ’cause that’s how I roll – cowardly) to offer an exchange of prisoners.  You always say that you think you may left such-and-such at their house – but you know.  You have been losing sleep over that shit.

I negotiated for the casserole dish and my crock pot, and remembered at the last-minute my spare set of car keys; the last person you want to call when you’ve locked yourself out of your car is your ex.

Fortunately I had his grill to offer as an exchange.  Unfortunately I also had his pajama pants that, thanks to Ernie, no longer have a crotch and therefore don’t carry much bargaining weight.  Sure, they’re 98% intact, but the missing 2% is pretty crucial.  I was hoping they would have been forgotten, but no.  The man who couldn’t commit a 3-item grocery list to memory has not forgotten about the pajama pants that I borrowed 4 months ago.

A short list of (other) things that suck about breaking up:
a backlog of inside jokes with no one to share them with • showing up at the office Christmas party alone and having to explain why to your co-workers • telling your mom • cooking for one • having to blog about it

Feel free to add your own.

8 thoughts on “Call out the negotiator

  1. I’ve missed you, but I’m really sad to hear of your break up. At least Ernie is holding true to himself and still eating crotches.

    That’s my Ernie – nothing if not consistent.

  2. Oh. I’m so sorry to hear about this. I mean – it wouldn’t have happened if it didn’t need to happen, but still. I’m sorry. And I know all about the negotiations. When I broke up with boyfriend number one, I practically had to get a moving van. It was horrible. But yes. You deserve your things. Go get them. Take no prisoners.

    Crotchless pajama pants = casualty of war.

  3. I’m sorry boys are stupid. You are amazing. Don’t ever forget it.

    Thanks…although today I feel more amazed than amazing. Come on, Friday!

  4. I hate gettting things back from an ex. I’m sorry about the situation. Men remember shit at the most inconvenient time. WTF is up that? I think Ernie knew something. That’s why he did it. Or it could be he’s just like Lorek and thinks he has the right to eat EVERYTHING.

    He thinks he has to right to eat everything with a crotch. Seriously, he’s giving me a complex.

  5. That sounds so awkward. I hate breaking up. Don’t worry, you’ll feel so much better after some time. You’re too fabulous to not be happy 🙂

    Thanks! But don’t worry about me – I just got a Wii for Early Christmas and I am Wii Bowling my troubles away.

  6. Wear the crotchless jammies to your office Christmas party and I can guarantee that no one will wonder why you are showing up alone.

    Two birds with one stone…I like this.

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