Do I owe you an apology?

Quick poll – have you ever lost your wallet, without getting up from your desk, and spent 10 frantic minutes searching for it only to find it in the trashcan, where you had casually tossed it instead of into your purse which was sitting right next to the trash?  Then waited 15 minutes, and repeated the whole scenario (this time only freaking out for 2 minutes)?  Well, I have.  I don’t recommend it, although the adrenaline rush was a nice little post-breakfast/pre-lunch pick me up.

Why am I playing hide and go seek with my wallet?  I’m glad you asked, friends.  The answer is that I wanted to share this with you:

do I owe you an apology

I know, right?  WTF.

Some dude gave this to my friend A as he left the table adjacent to us at lunch on Monday.  She later explained that he had complimented her boots while she was waiting for me to make my way to our table, but I can’t imagine that she was too put out by the remark because she didn’t mention anything about it all during lunch and believe me – we bitched and complained about everything from co-workers to potentially stinky pedestrians*.  But this guy (who looked like your friend’s weird dad who sports a goatee long after his college jazz days are past) slipped A this card with a slightly creepy, “sorry if I bothered you” (which was even more creepy to me because it came out of the blue, not knowing about their previous interaction) as he shuffled past.

First, of all, MALCOLM, a pink kitty cross bones?  If repentant is the attitude you are trying to convey, might I suggest a new mascot?  It has been my experience that cats are anything but contrite.  In fact, when Hemo shit on the rug last week, in lieu of an apology she threw up on the tv.  And pirates?  Pretty much the same, although I haven’t seen the last “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie so I may be mistaken.

I wasn’t going to get into your choice of font – but Comic Sans?  Yes, you do owe me an apology.

And MALCOM?  On my 30-day Shred DVD, Jillian Michaels extols the virtues of finishing strong.  That’s not even a complete phone number, unless I missed something and “hey” is the new 8.   And while there are spacing issues ALL OVER this card, the one that gets my goat is here, at the end.  I read it as “362-436heyI’llmakeasocialcall.”

MALCOLM, might I make a suggestion for the next time you’re ordering a batch of 500 of these babies?  Keep it short and to the point:

don't worry I'll just follow you home

No cats.

*PSP (Potentially Stinky Pedestrians) Perhaps we are the only two who do this, but do you ever spy someone walking towards you (on a sidewalk, in a hallway – you pick the venue) and you just know that they aren’t going to smell pleasant?  Be it patchouli, B.O., or cheap cologne, you don’t want any particle wafting off of them and into any of your orifices.  In such an instance, I like to create a negative pressure around myself; as I pass the PSP, I close my mouth and breathe out through my nose.  In an extreme situation I might even close my eyes as I pass (gotta protect as many mucus membranes as possible).  Do not hesitate to practice this technique should the need arise.

6 thoughts on “Do I owe you an apology?

  1. If ANYONE passed me a card, I’d get creeped out. Sick.

    Me too. Thank goodness I have this blog so I can talk to my heart’s content about how creeped out I am without my friends thinking I’ve become obsessed with MALCOLM and his kitty pirate.

  2. I made the mistake of reading this in the library and got dirty looks as I giggled out loud. I like your version of the card much better.

    Dirty looks = awesome. Rock on with your giggly self.

  3. So he’ll make a social call to apologize? Or just to stalk you so he can apologize later and leave another one of his snazzy cards. Freak.

    I’m not quite sure of his exact intentions, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want any part of it.

  4. The whole time I was reading your post I had to scroll back up to look at the card again. I just can’t understand what it means? Hi I’m creepy Malcom and I want to apologize, want to go on a date? WTH? It’s hypnotic with the borders and the kitty. And the number? I just don’t get it are you supposed to say the number with the hey at the end three times like Beetlejuice and he’ll show up to make a social call? This all kinds of creepy confusion. That’s probably how he gets his victims, he confuses with the creepiness and next thing you know your in a well putting lotion on the skin.

    …all the while, shaking your head and sobbing quietly, “no, no, it’s not better.”

    Gosh that MALCOLM is one creepy bastard.

  5. Holy shit. I forget how funny you are, until I venture here and fall in the floor laughing.

    Social call= potential restraining order.

    You are so right – that guy is a TRO waiting to happen.

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