What would you name your cloned neanderthal baby?

Something amazing happened yesterday.

You may not believe me – do amazing things happen to 31 year old women? They certainly don’t happen in their backyard, unless that something is discovering a dinosaur fossil or giving birth to a cloned neanderthal baby.

Maybe I’ve played this up too much. What really happened yesterday is that I ate the first tomato from my garden.

It was delicious! But feel free to throw your old tomatoes at my head, as I know eating a tomato from your garden is hardly amazing, even if that tomato is yellow and delicious and you’ve known that tomato since it was a brave little un-pollinated flower.

But.

I’m pretty sure the 17-year-old Home Depot Garden Center employee who was tasked with watering the plant that yielded The Most Amazing And Delicious Yellow Tomato Ever shared a joint with my young, impressionable plant before I paid $3.88 for her and brought her home. I think this same employee rubbed psychedelic mushrooms on her tender leaflets and maybe even exposed her root buds to acid tablets.

Because I had the craziest dreams last night.

Like, chewing on gumballs while running the wrong way through a crowd during a 10k. But the gumballs turn into your teeth and the race is all uphill, and you’re running on your knees because you forgot your shoes and oh! you have no shirt on.

And you really have to get home because you can hear you sister’s parrot screaming (what? Your sister doesn’t have a parrot? DOESN’T MATTER) and if you don’t get home to feed it it’ll die. And how can you make your sister believe that you are sorry if you don’t even have a shirt on? Plus, your teeth are soggy, chewed-up gumballs and suddenly you’ve forgotten where your house is.

But really, that tomato was exceptionally delicious. Five stars. WOULD EAT AGAIN.

Guess who had a birthday?

Hey guys – I’m back! There have been some exciting goings-on around the Bad Mutha Fudruckin’ household, not the least of which being that somebody celebrated a big birthday. On September 1, Dexter turned a 10 years old. Quite a milestone! And to celebrate, CSN Stores (you know, the folks with over 200 stores where you can find anything from a coffee table to a Halloween costume for your dog) has offered to let him do his first product review!

So stay tuned! He’s getting something he’s been yearning for his entire life, and I can’t wait to share with you guys his reaction.

Happy Birthday, Dex! I love you!

She’s baaack!

Guess who I saw this morning in the bathroom – Curly Sue!

Curly Sue, aka my long eyebrow hair

This picture does not really do her justice, since I had to take it by myself in my abominably-lit bathroom.  You’ll have to trust me when I tell you that she is a thing of beauty.  Me, trying to get a picture of an eyebrow hair in the bathroom mirror without accidentally pulling it out – not so much.

Other things I’d like to talk about today:
Harvest – The harvest has begun! This weekend I picked my first cucumber, along with a handful of green beans and a small-ish yellow squash. I may have jumped the gun a little on the squash, but I’m nothing if not impatient.

If you happened to be peeking out of my neighbor’s upstairs window last Saturday around 9am, you would have seen one ecstatic pajama-clad girl skipping around the garden clutching beans in both hands and pausing periodically to shake aforementioned beans in her dog’s face, singing (in the style of the Go-Gos), “We  got the beans, we got the Beans, we got the BEANS, YEAH! We got the BEANS!”

Um, yeah.  We got some mutha fudrucking beans.

The cucumber became part of a delicious mango salad, but the squash and beans are still on the counter, taunting me. Joke’s on you, veggies, ’cause you’ll both be a stir fry tonight!

– You may have a distinct noticed lack of Dexter up in this piece as of late. He is in South Carolina, getting some one-on-one time with his former mommy, Danielle. It’s pretty obvious from the pictures she’s been sending me pining away for us, right?  Right?

[Cue weeping]

Apparently he’s having such a good time he’s already on his third chew toy. No squeaker in SC is safe.

Dex on vacation

He’ll be back in a couple of weeks.

And yes, that is a hand-crocheted afghan he is wrapped up in.  Hand-crocheted by moi, no less.  I’ll be happy to start taking orders if, by some chance, you don’t have the time or the inclination to waste spend 12+ hours of your life looping yarn around a hook while watching the first four seasons of Lost.

Call me!

Hey, that reminds me…

…so Allie at Hyperbole and a Half posted about sneaky rage cycles recently, and I immediately had a flashback to a recent event.  This was me:

*slightly torn, but nonetheless clean

The first sign of trouble –

Weird.

It appears that the elastic in the mattress pad has melted in the dryer.  I have never, in 28 years of life, heard of this problem.  Perhaps I’ve been living under a rock.  Yet I am still not ready to admit defeat.  I try changing positions; using the bed/wall/anything for leverage.
Ok, this isn’t working.  I’m breaking into a sweat.  The animals have fled to the backyard as I grasp the crinkly, decidedly non-elastic, mattress pad in my teeth in a desperate attempt to bend the universe to my will.

OK, ok.  Calm down.  Breathe in, breathe out.

Oh no, you didn’t.
Finally – VICTORY!

Kinda.

Help around the house

Helpful boys!
Bad Mutha Fudruckers, reporting for duty.  How may we be of service today, ma’am?
(They are actually begging for goldfish crackers, but hey – I’ll take what I can get.)

There is something about water from the hose that Ernie LOVES, even if the water has been sitting in the hose all day and is warm enough to cook pasta with.  He follows me around the garden in the morning, sampling the flow to ensure optimum growing conditions.

Ernie waters the mint
Mint?  Check.

Ernie waters the strawberries.
Strawberries? Check.

Beans?

Beans?

Cucumbers?
Cucumbers? Check and double check.

Dexter, on the other hand, is really into the soil sampling.  I mean really into it.  He has taken it upon himself to regularly and throughly dig up aerate the soil to evenly distribute nutrients and encourage healthy root growth.  Unfortunately he also discourages root growth by periodically unearthing recently transplanted seedlings and then resting on the bed of tilled earth and young plants.

Sorry!

Sorry!

So I’ve Dexter-proofed the baby seedlings by surrounding them with bamboo skewers.  So far it seems to be working, although I lost 4 tomatillo seedlings before I figured out a workable solution.

Dexter-proof garden.

Not pretty, but they are safe.  For now.

F-ing slugs, man.

Thanks, everyone, for your input yesterday and putting up with my melodrama.

I am not typically full of hate.

And really, I was not even full of hate on Saturday, despite all the dog balls.  It was a beautiful day, I had a delicious adult beverage, and I was enjoying all of it with my favorite Ernie.

*dramatic sigh*
Are you done complaining, yet?

Are you done complaining, yet?

Seriously – BORING!

seriously - boring!

Jeez, sorry guys.

Moving right along…the slug problem seems to be under control.  After my salt blitzkrieg last week, I haven’t noticed any fresh slug marks.  Oh, and did I mention I drew a circle of salt around the container?  Well, I did.  Now it’s safe from slugs AND witches.  Who knows what my neighbors think of me, much less the mailman – who, without the benefit of having witnessed my battle with the slugs, can only judge me by the pools of salt/slug remains that dot the front porch and the ring of salt around a chewed-up plant.  I’m putting off sweeping up the salt and dead slugs because I’m holding on to the hope that the desiccated carcasses will serve as a deterrent to other potential interlopers.

(click to see larger)

I will kill a slug.

Also, the NobleWorks.com contest is still running until Thursday @ midnight – each comment you leave (or blog and/or twitter shout out) gets you an entry!

What, you wanted to READ something?

I’m too excited to write many words today because it is SUNNY!  and WARM!  and FRIDAY!

I ordered this vegetable collection from Burpee a few months back, and my plants arrived yesterday and I can’t wait to get them in the ground this weekend, along with some other garden favorites (tomatillos, jalapeños, zucchini, squash, cucumbers, pumpkins, watermelon…) I’ve started from seed.

The animals are a big help in the garden.

Hemo warms up the soil in the flower beds.Hemo helps

Ernie keeps a close eye on the seedlings.

Sorry…but you had too many peppers, anyway.

Ernie helps, too.

And Dexter…well, Dex sure does love the new grass.

Grass!  Glorious Grass!  Wonderful gr–

GRASS!  GLORIOUS GRASS!

Hey!  Can’t a guy enjoy a roll in the grass in peace?

Oh Dex, you are lucky you’re so cute.

Stop lookin’ at my butt.

Dex's butt.

The hard part is sitting back and waiting for the garden to start producing.  Mutha Fudruckers are not known for their patience.

Is it time to enjoy the fruits of our labors?Now?

Not yet, baby Ernie.

Have a great weekend…

The End of the World (maybe).

Holy smokes – don’t poop your pants (or adjust your sets).  It’s just me, trying to get back into blogging.

Yeah.  I don’t want to be responsible for that.  I mean, I just thought about blogging last week and look what happened in Iceland.  But if I don’t blog, the terrorists win.  So here I am.

Life is good for a Mutha Fudrucker right now.  I’m working to turn my black thumb green – there is now some tangible evidence that I don’t kill EVERY plant I come into contact with.  These plants were all alive, well, they were as of 7:30 this morning.

1.  Sunflower toddlers.  The dogs step on these (a lot) but they keep springing back.  I grew these bad boys from SEED, bitches.  Yeah, I said it.  I planted these (along with the brugmansias) to give Dex some shade, since I took a chain saw to his favorite weedy shade-shrub.  So keep your fingers crossed that they get more than 3 inches tall, wil ya?

2.  Heliotrope.  Where have you been all of my life?  These little flowers smell like the best cherry vanilla Lip Smacker you’ve ever tasted.  I mean smelled.  Fine, I mean tasted.  Don’t judge me.

3.  Million bells.  The name sold me – lemon chiffon.  How could I turn it down?  Instead of eating a key lime pie square every day, I can just look at these for my citrus fix.

4.  Sweet Potato vines.  I don’t know what it is about these plants, but I love them.  The color is awesome and they grow so fast, so easy.

5.  Phlox.  I have these in hanging baskets and I almost killed them once, when I left them to fend for themselves for 36 hours.  Note to self:  these bad boys need to be watered once a day.  But so worth it, because they flower and flower and flower.

6.  Mint.  We’ve actually got 3 varieties here: chocolate mint, orange mint, and plain ol’ Kentucky mint.  I just sit on the porch, rip a leaf off, and press them to my nostrils.  Not too shabby in a mojito or a julep, either.

7.  Nasturtium seedlings.  I’ve never really heard of this flower before, but I snagged these seeds from my sister.  Apparently they are really easy to grow, and edible.  A match made in heaven – I love both live plants AND eating.

8.  Brugmansia.  I bought two of these tree-thingies last year.  They survived being over wintered in my spare room, and I was even able to get some viable cuttings.  I gave most of them away, but now I’ve got a total of 4 of these bad boys.

The most exciting thing to grow in the backyard this year, though is GRASS.  The dogs are rough on the lawn and it shows.  This year I’ve fenced off about a third of the yard in an attempt to grow some real ground cover.  A trip to the local feed ‘n seed and $17 in clover seed later, I’ve got this:

GRASS!  Honest to goodness GRASS!  It’s not the clover I thought I was buying, but it’s not weeds, either.  Well, not purely weeds.  Words cannot express how happy I am about this development.  Dexter keeps sneaking into the fenced-off zone to nap in its pillowy green-ness.  I can’t really blame him.  I can’t wait to prance around in it bare foot.

So yes.  Exciting times for a Mutha Fudrucker.  I’ve also got my vegetable garden in, after chiseling through my hard, clay, soil and amending it with bags and bags of Miracle Grow and mushroom compost.  I’m having visions of skipping through the plants and plucking cherry tomatoes from my monstrous tomato trees, then passing out with a orange mint mojito in my hand and tomato juice running down my chin.

P.S. – Happy Earth Day!  Check out this blog for some tips on being a greener pet owner.

MIA

I knew as soon as I blogged about her, it was over.

I just hope she made it to safety, and Hemo didn’t get her first.

See ya, biotches.“Thanks for all the gnats.  And, uh, don’t wait up.”
*BOING*

Two dogs, a cat, and a girl…now with more frog!

Meet the newest Mutha Fudrucker:

What up, ninjas?

(I’m pretty sure she is a girl because I haven’t heard any croaks or ribbits.)

This little Son of a B hitched a ride on one of my dumb canes when I brought my plants inside for winter.  I didn’t notice her until about a month after she’d arrived.  Initially I was a little worried that Hemo would pose a threat to her continued safety, as she (Hemo) was quite a tree-frog hunter in her younger days.  She’d catch them on my apartment balcony and bring them inside (some still kicking feebly) to play with in the living room, abandoning them after she’d become bored and moved on other pursuits, such as knocking over water glasses or creating sand art with her litter.

My worries were unfounded, it seems, because Hemo cares not a whit for the frog.  But THEN I started worrying that she would die of starvation, because (as far as I know) there are no crickets in the spare room.  But she must be eating something because now it is March and she’s been here since November.

Usually she chills on the big broad leaves of the dumb canes.  She used to switch it up; staying for a week or two on one dumb cane, then migrating across the table to the other.  Now she just lives in one plant, but most morning she takes a dirt bath in the dying portulaca.

I got mad skills, yo.

I don’t usually see her move – she’s a ninja like that.  I just turn around, and BAM! she’s on a new leaf.

Ninja frog moves with stealth.

A few weekends ago it was beautiful outside – sunny and (kinda) warm.  I moved her home plant to the front porch to give her a chance to get some direct sun, and even return to the wild, if she wanted.  I observed her moving around the plant for a little bit, and when I went to bring the plant in as the sun was going down, I didn’t see her anywhere on the plant!  I searched around the porch but didn’t see her.  Part of me was sad, but part of me was kind of relieved.  The responsibility for her well-being was really weighing heavily on me.

“Run free, little ninja frog,” I thought.

“Find a Mr. Ninja Frog and makes little Ninja Frog babies!  It’s the circle of life!”

But Ninja Frog strikes again!  That little frog was hiding amongst the leaves the whole time and hitched a ride back into the house.  So now I think I’m stuck with her.

I'm back.