In which I dream about calling the maintenance man, or Julie Gets a Microwave

Sitting at a friend’s house eating pancakes and sausage for dinner recently, I announced that I thought Julie had gotten a microwave for Christmas, but I wasn’t sure and maybe I just dreamed that. I’m not 100% sure what prompted me to make this announcement; Julie wasn’t even present at dinner. Perhaps it was the wish that I had taken the time to microwave the syrup before I poured it over my pancakes, or maybe it was a random brain synapse firing. I guess it doesn’t really matter.

What matters is that I have boring dreams. I have dreams about regular, everyday things. For example, about 5 years ago when I shared an apartment with 2 girlfriends, I was supposed to call the front office to get someone to come out and look at the fan in our laundry room which wasn’t working. A couple days pass and one of my roommates, A, asked me if I had called, to which I replied that I hadn’t called because our other roomate, D, had called. A few more days pass and no one comes to look at our fan. Why? Because D hadn’t called; I had just dreamed that she did. WTF? Get an imagination, you freak.

I’ve been reading Cake Wrecks for a couple of months now, and I’ve started having dreams about decorating cakes and I now believe I have the skills to appear on an episode of Ace of Cakes. How hard could it be to sculpt the Backyardigans out of fondant? Never having baked or decorated a cake in my life without the aid of my pals Duncan Hines or Betty Crocker, I bragged to my sister Lauren about my imaginary new-found skill with a pastry bag. She, in turn, told my sister Anne, who is getting married this May, about my new calling in life.

Anne and her fiance have very set ideas about how they want their wedding to go down, and are both working at least 2 jobs to finance it. I’m extremely proud of her for being so responsible, even if her job as a manager at a children’s clothing store did prompt her to send me the following email:

To: badmuthafudrucker@gmail.com

Re: Retail rules

Rule Number 1:
I AM NOT A BABYSITTER —
in fact you probably don’twant to just let your kids run around wild in hopes that I’ll watch them. I’d probably let them put a dirty penny in their mouth and watch as you are mortified because you weren’t watching them and they decided to suck on a penny – why not? It’s shiny, they have nothing better to do. I know those evil glances you’re giving as you yell at your child and force them to spit out their shiny metal snack are meant for me, but unfortunatly for you, you cannot place the blame on me in front of the 3 other sets of parents who are looking at you as though you were reading Britany Spears’ memoirs of motherhood (hopefully she doesn’t really write memoirs of her experience as a mother, it may cause further and irreversible damange to her boys as they grow old enough and some stranger teaches them how to read).

Besides, if you leave your kids to me, how am I supposed to pull all the sizes you want to try on in all the colors and outfits you came in here for in the first place?

Oh and if you ask me to put in a movie for them to watch I will probably be more interested
in that (no matter how many times I’ve seen Ella Enchanted in the past week) than catering to your every need.

well i hope you enjoy this and it makes you pee your pants a little bit.

————————————————-

Ah, the pleasures of working in retail.
Anyway, a recent phone call between myself and Anne goes down like this:
Me: Hey Anne!
Her: Hey. Lauren said you wanted to make my wedding cake?
Me: Well, what I said was that I have mad dream skills at decorating cakes.
Her: So you’ll make my wedding cake? We just want something simple. All white. With roses.
Me: What if it comes out looking like vomit on a plate? But it still tastes good? Will you hate me forever?
Her: Probably. We want red velvet. I’ll send you a picture. [click] dial tone
Me: Wait…

So she wants this:

[image credit: http://www.uniquecake.co.uk/]

But I’m afraid she’ll get this:

[image credit: http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com]

Looks delicious. Anyone have a good Red Velvet cake recipe?