Ladies’ Night

Things I put in my mouth last night (PG-13 edition):

-74 kabillion wasabi-rice crackers
-2 tentative bites of Harris Teeter ham-type spread
-2 beer bongs (how old am I again?)
-1 bison burger
-generous portion of coarse-ground mustard*
-4 sauteed onion slices*
-macaroni and cheese*
-macaroni and cheese
-8 zillion tater tots
-regular mustard**
-1 1/2 glasses wine
-1 1/2 shots strawberry vodka with Squirt chaser

Shows I watched last night:

-3/4 episode My Name is Earl (during which decided I don’t like watching episodes where Earl and Joy are married, because it makes me sad)
-1/2 episode of Kath & Kim (during which I decided I really need to get some cool pajamas)
-1 full episode of The Office (during which I talked to D’s mom, explained that she was drunk but that she wanted Horton Hears a Whoo! on DVD for Christmas)

Topics discussed:

-Whether or not Julie’s neighbors are retarded
-Who should play Jacob in the next Twilight movie
-Who we would have cast as Rosalie***
-D’s rape fantasy non-consensual-while-still-remaining-non-violent sex fantasy
-My penchant for chubby guys
-Whether or not ‘bison’ is spanish for ‘delicious beefy goodness’****

Miscellaneous figures:

-number of nuts I found in Julie’s chair from last week when I ate a drumstick while watching Katt Williams’ stand up comedy: 1*****
-number of Katt Williams’ quotes: 24 (approximate)
-number of beer bongs D took: 3
-number of beer bongs Julie spit on Kristen: 1/2

That is all, folks. It’s Friday, and I am lazy.
————————————————
*denotes items I put on my bison burger
**denotes an item I put on my tater tots
***Scarlett Johanssen
****No, but I had Julie fooled.
*****Bonus: yes, I did eat it.

Is it cliche to say that men are incapable of putting the seat down?

I grew up with three sisters. When I moved out and went to college, I went to a women’s college. When I got my first apartment, I lived with 2 other girls. I have never (knock on wood) fallen into the toilet seat because a man has left the seat up. Dating Steve, though, has taught me to never take for granted that the toilet seat is as I left it. Up, down–you better check that shit unless you want to end up dunking your ass in some toilet water at 2 in the morning.

The other night I woke up, having to pee. I stumbled into the bathroom and turned on the light. As I approached the toilet, I saw that the seat was down.

Aw,” I thought. “Steve put the seat down. He really is such a thoughtful guy.”

I got closer, thinking nice thoughts about Steve, but I soon noticed that something was amiss. The seat was sparkling like Edward in the sunshine. As this is not typical of Steve’s toilet, I investigated further.

I think you know where I’m going with this. Steve had, in fact, not put the seat down, or up for that matter, but in a sleepy stupor had peed all over the seat. Thank goodness I turned the light on and noticed the sprinkle. Or I would have had to suffocate him in his sleep.

Fact or Fiction Wednesday

Item 1:

Statement: I am capable of dressing myself.

FICTION
I am capable of dressing myself exactly 33% of the time. The 8 hours when I am asleep, I am dressed totally appropriately. The other 16 hours, well, not so much. I see myself as a sassy career girl who looks trendy and put together. Unfortunately the mirror sees me as a slightly disheveled career girl with dragging hems and a serious handicap in the ‘putting makeup on yourself’ department. Working with post-menopausal ladies and tech geeks hasn’t really helped me, either. If I took a cue from my office mates I’d be wearing turtlenecks and sweaters a la Kristy or short sleeve button down shirts a la Dilbert. Having a roommate, albeit temporarily, has made me re-evaluate my status as an adult. Since when does gray not match with khaki? Who made that rule? 26 year olds are not allowed to wear leggings? Fight the machine!

Perhaps I should stick with the triangle dresses.

Item 2:

Statement: I pack Dora the Explorer fruit snacks in my lunch.

FACT
They do not make fruit snacks for grown-ups. Except for organic fruit roll-ups, but they cost 75 cents a piece and do not fit into my food budget. Plus they are called “Fruit Leather” and that does not sound as appealing as “Dora Saves the Snow Princess Assorted Fruit Flavored Snacks.”

Item 3:

Statement: I walked past a Chinese food restaurant yesterday and didn’t (even for one second) think about stopping in and getting an eggroll.

FACT
I am as shocked as you are, internet. I haven’t had a craving for Chinese food since October 18, 2008, when I stumbled out of Beer Fest and ate 3 eggrolls and a dozen crab rangoons, in addition to disgusting amounts of beef with broccoli and cashew chicken. Insult to injury? I made the rookie mistake of eating an eggroll on the way home, burning my mouth and seriously diminishing my ability to taste the rest of the meal.

Don’t fret, Dragon Garden. I can’t quit you. I’ll be back…just not quite yet.

Item 4:

Statement: I am just reading my book on my lunch break until someone comes along to talk to me about something more exciting, like the new Board of Education members.

FICTION
I am reading my book on my lunch break because I finally wrestled New Moon away from my friend and I honestly can’t wait to find out how Jacob turns into a werewolf. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not proud of this. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. Perhaps it’s so you’ll shun me and I can read my tween romances in peace.

Item 4:

Statement: I don’t know how to spell ‘receive.’

FACT

I get the ‘i before e’ part, but the ‘except after c’ never looks right. I always spell it ‘recieve,’ which looks much better, right? Oh well, at least I’m not still pulling a Ramona Quimby and spelling relief ‘r-o-l-a-i-d-s.’

Item 5:

Statement: Ernie is one handsome Mutha Fudrucker.

FACT

The one where vampires cause me to break into my own car with a screwdriver and an American flag

I am an idiot.

I left work during my lunch break yesterday with two goals in mind: mail my rent check and buy a copy of New Moon. I was unsuccessful in both endeavors.

I went to the Wal*Mart up the road where I thought I would have the best luck buying both the book and some stamps. I’d looked at both Barnes and Noble and Books-a-Million, but every 13 year old girl, her mother, her maiden aunt, and her 20-something sister has been buying up these books so they are pretty scarce. As I grabbed my purse, I glanced at my copy of Twilight sitting on the passenger seat. Visions of Edward-crazed tweens played out in my head, and I decided to lock the doors.

Inside Wal*Mart–no New Moon. Dammit. Defeated, I bought some stamps from the vending machine and headed back to the car. Where I had unfortunately locked the doors with the keys still in the ignition. Double dammit. Spare key? Nope. With the whole of Wal*Mart at my disposal, I figured I could find something to help me break into my own car.

Trolling the aisles, I settled on a flat head screwdriver and a 3 ft. dowel, which unfortunately had an American flag stapled to it. Back at the car, I managed to wedge my door open enough to stick the dowel into the car and push the ‘unlock’ button on the door handle. After, of course, I had ripped the flag off while cursing the entire Cullen clan and my own stupidity.

It’s not everyday you see someone desecrating the American flag and cursing Stephenie Meyers in the Wal*Mart parking lot.

On an up note, writing this post reminded me to mail my rent check.

And the winner is…

LBluca77!

Yay for you! Email me at badmuthafudrucker [at] gmail [dot] com to let me know what size t-shirt you’d like and where you’d like me to send it. BTW, if you haven’t read LBluca77’s blog, you are missing out. I’ve never laughed so hard about someone’s food addiction.

Thanks again to Marie, BrazenBareToe, and BohoPoetGirl for pimping the contest; I’ve got something special for you lovely ladies if you’ll send me an email to let me know where to send it.

In other news…

  • BlogSecret repercussions continue to be felt here at Bad Mutha Fudrucker Central. For the back story, read here and here. S0, Potential read Anonymous’ letter and left a comment saying “there is undeniable potential.” Anonymous is taking Potential out to dinner when he gets back into town in two weeks, so hopefully he’ll give us an update after their dinner.
  • It’s official–I am way out of shape. I played Wii Fit at my dad’s on Thanksgiving, and after 15 minutes of Wii hula-hooping, my abs were killing me and my legs felt like jelly. The next day I felt like I got pummelled by Hans and Franz.
  • I suck at Scrabble. Or Steve is really good. I’m not sure which one. He definitely knows his way around the rules, though. Current standings: Steve-3, Me-1. It is a sad day.
  • Marie’s pumpkin bread is idiot-proof. I am a terrible baker; I use 1 measuring cup for both my wet and dry ingredients, I do not allow my eggs to come to room temperature before adding them, I don’t own a mixer and have to mix everything by hand, the list goes on. Despite these handicaps, I managed to turn out 2 loaves of pumpkin bread and 24 mini muffins. Win!
  • I’ve seen Twilight. Twice. One of my girlfriends had a dream in which Edward had beautiful, glowing testicles. Another friend dreamt that he wrote her research paper. I haven’t had my Edward dream yet.