Do I owe you an apology?

Quick poll – have you ever lost your wallet, without getting up from your desk, and spent 10 frantic minutes searching for it only to find it in the trashcan, where you had casually tossed it instead of into your purse which was sitting right next to the trash?  Then waited 15 minutes, and repeated the whole scenario (this time only freaking out for 2 minutes)?  Well, I have.  I don’t recommend it, although the adrenaline rush was a nice little post-breakfast/pre-lunch pick me up.

Why am I playing hide and go seek with my wallet?  I’m glad you asked, friends.  The answer is that I wanted to share this with you:

I know, right?  WTF.

Some dude gave this to my friend A as he left the table adjacent to us at lunch on Monday.  She later explained that he had complimented her boots while she was waiting for me to make my way to our table, but I can’t imagine that she was too put out by the remark because she didn’t mention anything about it all during lunch and believe me – we bitched and complained about everything from co-workers to potentially stinky pedestrians*.  But this guy (who looked like your friend’s weird dad who sports a goatee long after his college jazz days are past) slipped A this card with a slightly creepy, “sorry if I bothered you” (which was even more creepy to me because it came out of the blue, not knowing about their previous interaction) as he shuffled past.

First, of all, MALCOLM, a pink kitty cross bones?  If repentant is the attitude you are trying to convey, might I suggest a new mascot?  It has been my experience that cats are anything but contrite.  In fact, when Hemo shit on the rug last week, in lieu of an apology she threw up on the tv.  And pirates?  Pretty much the same, although I haven’t seen the last “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie so I may be mistaken.

I wasn’t going to get into your choice of font – but Comic Sans?  Yes, you do owe me an apology.

And MALCOM?  On my 30-day Shred DVD, Jillian Michaels extols the virtues of finishing strong.  That’s not even a complete phone number, unless I missed something and “hey” is the new 8.   And while there are spacing issues ALL OVER this card, the one that gets my goat is here, at the end.  I read it as “362-436heyI’llmakeasocialcall.”

MALCOLM, might I make a suggestion for the next time you’re ordering a batch of 500 of these babies?  Keep it short and to the point:

No cats.

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*PSP (Potentially Stinky Pedestrians) Perhaps we are the only two who do this, but do you ever spy someone walking towards you (on a sidewalk, in a hallway – you pick the venue) and you just know that they aren’t going to smell pleasant?  Be it patchouli, B.O., or cheap cologne, you don’t want any particle wafting off of them and into any of your orifices.  In such an instance, I like to create a negative pressure around myself; as I pass the PSP, I close my mouth and breathe out through my nose.  In an extreme situation I might even close my eyes as I pass (gotta protect as many mucus membranes as possible).  Do not hesitate to practice this technique should the need arise.